What's in a name?
So I started seeing a therapist.I figure I'm in New York, all the cool kids are doing it, I should too. Not a big deal, just wanted to talk to someone(other than my mother) about general life anxieties and woes. I thought it would be a good idea for me to be healthy all the way around. Turns out it is actually making me crazier than before. Let me explain...
Flashback: 2001, just after 9/11, I started seeing a therapist at NYU. At first it was because I wasn't handling the aftermath of 9/11, but after 1 session it turned into regular 'let's deal with Carrie's daily quirks' sessions. Well, after the second session, I started to feel comfortable talking about myself for 40 minutes, and I liked my therapist...Dr. Angel. Then the third visit rolls around and I am waiting in the waiting room to be called in. Dr. Angel pops his head out, and I recognize him immediately and motion to get up. He scans the room and sees me and says, "Karen? Wanna come back now?"
I was devastated. And what's even worse is that now I can't even remember the things I wanted to discuss, because I am too obsessed with the fact that he got my name wrong. Now one of the things I wanted to work on so badly was my fear of confrontation...but being only 3 sessions in, you can imagine that I wasn't so much cured. So that session was totally wasted...I kept trying to think of ways that I could say my name in passing so that he knew it wasn't Karen. Something like, "my mom is always saying, 'Carrie, you can't do that.'" But I couldn't find a way to do it and make it non-confrontational. So I let it pass. It took me the whole next week to 'speech out' what I was going to say to him in our next session. So I sat down in his office and said, "Dr. Angel, one thing that I really wanted to discuss is that you called me Karen last week." His response: "no I didn't." Me: "Oh, I mean, I am pretty sure you did. When you called me to come back." Him: "No, there is no way thats what I said. You must be mistaken." Me: "Oh...ok...well....um.....ok.................yeah. Well, anyway, I, um, just wanted to talk to you about it, because my reaction was something I would like to work on." Him: "Well, you must have heard wrong. But for arguments' sake, lets say I did call you Karen. Tell me your problems..." I was, again, mortified. But we worked through it and it is now an amusing anecdote for my friends.
Cut to present day...yesterday to be exact:
I am at my second session with my new therapist. She is getting a bit more confrontational with me, which I guess is fine, but I am not comfortable enough with her yet to handle it well. Anyway, we get halfway through the session when she starts talking to me about something and says, "Well, the thing you have to realize, Katie, is that you blah blah blah...." nothing registered after that. She called me Katie. I am not crazy. I heard it. BUT I didn't say anything... thinking/hoping it was a one time mistake. So we continue with our conversations and then, "But Katie, why do you think you feel that way?" I stop mid-sentence. Stunned silent. She did it again. But again, how can you correct your therapist? It is such an awkward situation. I mean, I am pouring my heart out to her and she doesn't have the right name down. So I figure I will have to say something, but before I can muster the courage she says, "Well, Katie, we are out of time for today. What is your schedule like for the next couple of weeks? Let's get something down on the calendar." I again stop what I am doing and think, 'just say something. Just say something. Its no big deal. Just say, its Carrie, actually.' But I don't. I chicken out big time. And then I gather my things and say goodbye and for her to have a good night and she says, "You too, Katie, have a great night. See you in two weeks."
How has this happened again? How is it possible that both my therapists have gotten my name wrong. Don't they have my paperwork that I filled out right in front of them??? I swear it is some trick that they teach in therapy school on how to gaslight your patients. 'Make them think they gave you the wrong name. Or that you are looking at someone else's file while they talk to you.' Like when my friend, Graeme, swears to me that he didn't have my birthday wrong, that I told him once that it was March 9th. I mean, people, I have never gotten my name or my birthday wrong in my entire life.
Stop trying to make me think I am crazy!!!!
My name's not Katie, it's Carrie.........................................um, is that ok?
posted by carrie @ 3:11 PM
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